Because sometimes crying in your living room on your tummy is the only way to get through the rest of your day. I’ll admit to it. That was me today and not the first time either. It happens here and there. Somedays I feel like superwoman, on top of the world and capable of doing everything. I have energy for ten from sun up to sundown and nothing or no one can stop me from conquering the world. And then I have days when I want to eat junk food and hear me out, I am NOT a junk foodie. In fact, whenever I give in and eat something “junk” food like, I immediately regret it and wish I would’ve been stronger. So I have my moment. I eat junk food, moan in my sorrows, and then get on with life. This sounds silly but in the moment I’m practically ready to give up on life and let my eight month old feed himself, put himself to put, and entertain himself. Obviously this is impossible but come on mommas, you can’t tell me you haven’t had that thought before. You’re lying if you say no.
I had to go through another goodbye this morning. I swear, if I have to go through anymore goodbyes in the next few months, I will lose my mind. The calendar doesn’t give me much hope though so as a result, I will lose my mind. I married a military man. I knew it would be intense. I knew there would be goodbyes but for some reason, Hallmark and YouTube make those goodbyes seem almost romantic and heroic and possible. Um, let me tell you right from the start: those movies and video clips lie. They lie BIG FAT lies. Saying goodbye to your spouse downright sucks. There’s nothing romantic about the tears because if you’re anything like me, you cry after he’s gone so he doesn’t even have the chance to wipe your tears away and brush your hair out of your face. So you’re alone, crying that big hideous and nasty cry and come on, how do the girls in the movies cry without looking ugly with makeup smeared all over? I don’t get it. Because when I cry there’s no such thing as a little girl cry. I cry big. My body shakes and I sound like someone who just finished running a marathon and trying to talk at the same time: fail. I cry and then kick myself in the butt for crying and tell myself to get my act together.
I usually allow myself one day to cry it all out and get myself together. After that I have to remain strong for myself and my kiddo and most days I do just fine. But ever so often I’m reminded that this sucks. So that’s when I gravitate towards exercise or outside activities to keep myself and my little one occupied.
Mommas, if you’re feeling the mommy blues today and are facing the impossible, know you’re not alone. After I got down on my knees and cried my tears of weakness, I had a good private session with God. I told him I can’t do it. I can’t hold myself together today, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. Crazy though because as I was talking to him I cried more and more. But then it was as if he lifted my chin and told me it was going to be okay. Yeah, separation sucks. Yeah, raising a kid alone sucks. Yeah, going to bed every single night alone is the worst and waking up and doing it all over again really sucks. But I’m not alone. Maybe I underestimated how intense this all would be. I don’t know. You don’t really know what it’s going to be like until you’re in it and gosh, it is a lot harder somedays than I expected. And no matter how many times you hear it, “You can do it! You’re strong!” it doesn’t get better. The reality is, those words get old after time. Honestly, I don’t want to do it somedays. I’d rather ignore today starting and pretend I am four years old again with no cares in the world. But then my eight month old is in crying for me in the other room, the dishes are stacked up high, my hair finally needs a wash after four days (yikes!), and clean clothes wouldn’t be a bad idea.
I wish I’d known that it’s impossible somedays. I wish I’d known that the movies are lies. HalMark is a joke. And living alone and away from family is harder than life itself. But not many wives can boast about their husband being a service member, a hero in my eyes, and a warrior. So when life knocks me down and throws me in the rose bushes with thorns poking me all around, I get back up, pick up a rose on the way out, and shout back at my negativity, “Yes I can!”
You can do it mama. When life kicks you in the butt kick it right back. Don’t give it the chance to knock you down and run over you. You are stronger. You are able. You are a mama!