The Problem with My Son

Mamas, do you ever feel judged or almost to the point of being condemned? And when you really think about it, the reason is because of something you’re failing to bring across or “fix” as a mama. You see, my son is almost 10 months old and when you google “ten month old baby” one of the first recommended search options that comes up is “ten month old baby sleeping”. Immediately I feel the urge to click on those sites and read up on a bit of that information. Well before long, I feel judged, pressured, and criticized and I’m the only one giving myself those feelings. Because the truth is, my baby DOES NOT sleep through the night yet. In fact, he’s only ever slept through the night maybe 2 or 3 times. And you know what? When he did those all-night-sleeping-alone, I missed him terribly. I woke up maybe 10 times just to check on him!

So my son doesn’t sleep through the night. He still wants to nurse at least 2 times during the night. He still wants to cuddle. He still wants to feel mama’s skin. He still needs mama next to him. He still needs mama. But when I hear about other babies already sleeping through the night at 2 months old and being on a rigid schedule from 7pm-7am, a little bit of pressure builds up inside of me and also this spirit of “what the heck am I doing wrong?” It almost gets to the point that I think I need to just let him cry at night. And so the other night he woke up at 11:30pm and I was still up. I decided to let him cry. After 20 minutes I couldn’t take it anymore. I was getting frustrated and my heart ached so bad. I wanted to go in the room and save him. But instead, a little voice in my head kept telling me, “No, if you get him now he’ll never learn. He’ll be 10 years old and still going through this struggle of falling asleep alone!” And so I tried to ignore him for a little while longer. Midnight pushed through and he was still up and screaming even louder. I finally had enough, pushed those thoughts out of my mind and grabbed my baby. Mamas, this truly broke my heart. My little man grabbed my shirt, dug his face in my neck, sobbed from the bottom of his soul and fell right to sleep. We crawled into bed together and cuddled the rest of the night.

He’s not ready. I’m not ready! So the problem with my son is that I’m not ready. I’m not ready to give up those nighttime feedings. I’m not ready to have him sleep alone and in another room. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my baby. I need him to be baby a little while longer before I’m ready. I don’t care about the criticism anymore. I don’t care about the pressure anymore. I just care about having a happy baby who feels safe and loved.

And for me and my little dude, we are happiest when we can cuddle and sleep together. Because honestly, I never heard of a 20 year old still sleeping with mama. It just won’t happen. These days are short and seldom and I want them to last as long as I can help it.